5 Tips for Getting Undesirable Emotions Under Control

Every day, our emotions may come into play based on the situations that arise. In fact, with what’s happening in the world today (Covid, rising unemployment, stay at home order, etc.), emotions are more rampant and heightened than ever before.

According to James Gross, an emotion researcher at Stanford University, emotions are a brief response affecting both behavior as well as the body that occur during events which present either challenges or opportunities. His model starts with the situation, then moves to an aspect from which you derive meaning. That meaning creates an emotional response and leads to an outcome.

For example, let’s say you go to a party where you see your ex (situation). You greet your ex and watch your ex flirt with some else (aspect). You can either be happy for your ex or think that the other person is better than you  (meaning). If you think the latter, then you probably respond with jealousy and anger (emotional response). This then leads you to either suppress your feelings or get drunk or some other negative behavior (outcome).

Now, it may seem reasonable for you to get jealous if the breakup was recent, but what if it had occurred years ago? Is it still reasonable to act out?

Let’s face it, your ability to regulate emotions affects how others perceive you. By learning to regulate your emotions well before a provoking situation can occur, you can avoid responding negatively.  It takes self-awareness (Emotional Intelligence Pillar 1) then practice or self-regulation, but it is possible to manage your emotional response to difficult situations.

Here are some tips to help you get started:

Harness your environment.

One way to get your undesirable emotions under control is to avoid situations that spark these emotions. Usually, it’s something or someone in your immediate environment that will provoke most negative emotions in you. Managing these negative emotions demands that you seek out their immediate causes and avoiding any circumstances that may trigger them.

For example, let’s say you have a specific friend who constantly throws you off with their comments or behavior. Maybe this person is constantly making judgmental comments about you like, “Why do you always wear your hair like that? Or if you lost a little weight, you’d be so beautiful.” In this example, it’s natural to feel upset or angry that someone you consider a friend would be so hurtful. You may have even shared how these comments aren’t helpful, but this person can’t seem to stop. This is a good time to limit or stop hanging out with them.

It may be more difficult to cut the person off if the negative person is a family member or someone you work with. You can, however, choose to limit how much time you spend or in what situations you interact them.

Another thing to consider  is reviewing any personal influences that could be putting you in a bad mood such as social media, choice of recreation activities and any other circumstances that cause upset.  

Change the situation.

Let’s say the emotion you’re trying to manage is frustration. You are always hoping, for example, to host the “perfect” party for friends and family, but inevitably something goes wrong because you have planned too many things. Maybe you planned to host a 5-course meal along with epic decorations that you make yourself from ideas on Pinterest. You find yourself frustrated that you have so many daily obligations that you don’t have the time to create the best candy bar or the cool photo backdrop in time. We all can get caught up with creating an epic scenario in our minds of a party or event that will get talked about for years. But is it really worth the frustration, disappointment, and stress when we have a real-life to juggle? Changing the situation means setting realistic goals that are in your range of abilities and time constraints to avoid suffering the emotional turmoil of setting your expectations too high.

Focus your attention.

Some people feel inferior to those around them who seem to be living amazing lives. Your Facebook or Instagram feed shows people doing things that you long to do. This may play into feelings of inferiority or lack of ability. How can they be able to afford to take so many trips or complete a marathon when it’s so hard for me to afford a weekend getaway or to run 3 miles without collapsing?

Shifting your focus away from others and onto your own goals and aspirations helps you feel more confident about your own abilities and life. By focusing on your own dreams and goals, you will eventually gain the confidence, abilities, experiences, and material items you desire while minimizing unwanted emotions.

Change your thought process.

The core of our deepest emotions is the beliefs that drive them. You feel anger when you realize that an important goal is unattainable, sad when you believe to have lost something, and jubilant anticipation when you believe something good is coming your way. By changing You may not be able to alter the situation by changing your thoughts about what’s happening, but you can at least change the way you believe the situation is affecting you.

Consider using cognitive reappraisal.  You do this by replacing the thoughts that lead to upset with thoughts that instead spark joy or at least lessen your negative feelings or upset.

Alter your response.

If all else fails, and you cannot change, avoid, shift your focus, or change your thoughts, and that negative emotion comes rushing out, the final step in emotion regulation is to manage your response. For example, when you are feeling angry or anxious, your heart may start beating out a steady drumroll of unpleasant sensations. To help manage your response, you can deep breaths and perhaps close your eyes in order to calm yourself down. Likewise, if you find yourself laughing uncontrollably when everyone else seems serious or sad, garner your inner resources to at least change your facial expression if not your mood.

We all go through times when our emotions get the better of us. It is these times when our negative emotions cause us to think, behave, and respond in ways that are less than effective that we have to take control. Shakespeare said it best, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

Use these tips to help change your response to situations and better control your emotions. Especially now, when our emotions are so heightened by what’s happening in our world and our lives today.

As I’ve shared before, part of being emotionally intelligent is to learn self-regulation. It is my hope that these tips help you improve your skills in this area.

When have you let your emotions control your behavior? Do you have any other tips or articles you can share which help in managing rampaging emotions?