Adrift again
Having Faith…
When I got offered the Training Manager position at a great, stable, and highly respected company last fall, I was sure it would be the one where I retired. After all, it would only be another 19 years or so before that time came and I had already determined that I loved the role I would be taking on and the company I would be working for…
But life, as always, has other plans. They say to watch what you wish for, or in my case, what you pray for. For over 18 years, I have had the personal mission statement of “Be love, Give Hope, Have Faith.” Over the years, I have felt I have made strides in the first two, but have always struggled with having faith.
What does it mean to “have faith?” I always thought it meant learning to pray and trusting that God or the universe would give me exactly what I wanted. Over the past 5 years, I have learned that faith is less about asking and more about allowing. What I mean by this is that I prayed to get a new job back in 2011 and the one I ended up getting in 2012 provided me a good salary, great job title, and a terrible work environment. I prayed again in 2013 for a good job with flexibility and time for my family and in 2014 I got a great consulting gig that allowed me to work remotely, figure out my own work schedule, and still make good money. The only problem there was it wasn’t a stable position and I ended up being not needed by early 2015. I switched my prayer to getting a great job at a stable company. In late 2015, I got what I thought was the perfect job with a stable company, great boss, good pay, and a place I could end up retiring… Only to be told 6 months later that the company had budget issues and were downsizing. Since I was the last manager hired for this department, I would be the first to go.
I am not as bitter or afraid this time around. Maybe it’s just that I have been here before and we (my husband, kids and I) have come out the other side. And each time, I have tried to make myself better. The first time I was laid off in 2010, I learned to cook and cook well. The next round in 2013, I learned how to pray/meditate more and begin to start working out. By 2014, I had taken on the challenge of preparing for obstacle course racing (completing 4 big races in 2015). This time around, I am not sure how I am meant to grow personally. I know that with at least 18 more years of work, I want to master what it is I am meant to contribute to the world. What will be my legacy?
Who knows. But I know that learning to have faith may be a lifelong thing. I may end up seeking it only to never really reach it’s pinnacle.
Like all great goals, the end is never assured and the path may truly be never ending… ahhh but the journey….